Seth Godin, as he does, wrote a great blog post about office gossip. Eleanor Roosevelt – allegedly – said that “great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” People talking about people is often referred to as gossip and it can be a toxic influence in workplaces, classrooms, families, circles of friends, and other communities. As you know, gossip is everywhere and it takes real leadership to rise above it. This article will provide you with straightforward tips for how to rise above gossip.
How to Rise Above Gossip
Fast Company’s Tom Musbach has this to say about gossip in the workplace: “Office gossip is irresistible. Most of us find it entertaining in a perverse way, especially when it involves somebody we don’t like. And in a time of great uncertainty and anxiety — like the time we’re in now — gossip is hard to avoid.”
During a recent vacation I overheard people from all walks of life gossiping about friends, family, co-workers, celebrities, rivals, teammates, and all the rest of it. Whether I was sitting across from a construction worker (“Mike’s gotta get some f***ing new boots, man!”) or approaching a Hornby Island potter (“Tabitha didn’t get nearly as much traffic at today’s craft fair; her new line is just alright, not great.”) or relaxing with members of my family (“[INSERT SOMETHING THAT I MIGHT’VE SAID BUT WON’T REPEAT BECAUSE OF POTENTIAL BACKLASH FROM GOSSIP]”), people were eroding their communities’ credibility with put-downs, witty barbs and rumour mongering. Such things – no matter how innocent they might be – limit a community’s ability to realize its potential. Gossip is hurtful, distracting, small, and unproductive.
Conversational time spent on ideas and/or positive storytelling about friends, family and/or co-workers is the kind of thing that should replace gossip. Here are three tips for eliminating gossip from your community:
Staying Silent
Overcoming gossip starts by not participating in gossipy conversations, no matter how juicy they are. Whether you’re in a new situation, such as your first week at a new job, or you’ve stumbled into a conversation with two people who outrank you or members of your family, when people start talking about others who are not in the room do not engage in the conversation. After all, the first strategy for creating a gossip-free-community is to not criticize those who aren’t in the room to defend themselves.
Positively Frame It
Okay. Perhaps you’ve been staying silent for a while and people are beginning to look at you in a funny way (unfortunately, this behaviour might lead to you being the subject of much gossip!). If forced into the conversation be sure to frame your comments positively. If your co-workers are trashing your boss or a colleague from another business unit, re-direct the conversation in a way that focuses on something positive. For example, a line like “look, we don’t know the entire story; she’s probably pretty stressed out by the situation, so how about we give her the benefit of the doubt?” allows the other conversationalists to see a different perspective.
Be a Change Agent
“Sorry, guys. I don’t go in for this kind of conversation and would really like you to stop it. The status of Mike’s boots aren’t going to get this house framed any faster. Cut it out, okay?” Congratulations, you’ve graduated from being a positive bystander to an active, anti-gossip change agent. I recommend this kind of action whenever possible, but understand that you might not want to create such assertive and/or controversial waves in your community. If you are challenging the narrative it is because you have earned the audience’s respect and there is a good chance that they will heed your word and reflect on the impact of their gossipy ways. Alternatively, demonstrating this kind of assertiveness can also result in you earning respect from folks in your community, as people who demonstrate such strong character are compelling leaders.
Gervase R. Bushe refers to workplace gossip as “interpersonal mush” and argues that the stories we tell about each other often make meaning based on what we know, but they make connections and assumptions that fictionalize what we don’t know. He says that everyone does this and making such assumptions can be harmful for individuals and communities. Bushe says that the best way to stop it is for people to speak directly to each other about their experience and/or truth. For example, Michael Bosma, Founder of The Bosma Group, has created a “disagreement protocol” to address interpersonal mush and the gossip that springs from it:
If someone is on a rant about someone else, they should speak about the problem directly with that person. If someone complains to Michael, the first thing he does is ask if they addressed it directly. This immediately ends the gossip.
As Godin notes, “Gossip won’t disappear. It can’t. But making it clear to the high performers that things aren’t like that around here–and meaning it–sends a message about the focus and culture of the team you’re working so hard to build.” When it comes to gossiping you only need to ask yourself one question: how would I like it if people were saying these things about me?
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This article was originally published on August 28, 2013.