Hey there, all my fellow Gumbooteers! It’s been a while since the last news from Germany here on the Gumboot (at least from me), and since the last piece was really emotional and deeply political, well today for a lighter topic. You may or may not have heard about it, but Thomas de Mazière, our Minister of Interior Affairs and hence highest Chieftain of all German police, has announced it: Islamist Terrorists like Al Quaida are running for barbecue season on German Christmas Markets, Airports, Train Stations and what nots. The DefCon on terrorism has been raised, all German police are on hair trigger alert. Well, there are those who believe the German government just wants to distract the populace from all our major political problems. There are also those, who believe that there is indeed a certain danger that terrorists might blow up a mall or a bank, or that they might indiscriminately kill as many civilians as possible in some public area, modelled after the suicide runs on that hotel in Mumbay and so on.Well, all voices, those critical and those cautioning have their arguments and ideas. And today, I don’t want to mope about anything (surprise, surprise!). Hell, why not just hang in there for one hell of a ride??? Here’s my personal Top Ten why this terror-threat thing isn’t so bad after all. And if anyone finds any irony or some such in this text, he or she might as well keep it. Enjoy! ^ ^
1. All police holidays cancelled because of the current situation: Now, that today REALLY made my day! 
Struggling tax-payers like me, rejoice! Finally, the police, feds and locals, won’t just be sitting on their bums munching donuts. They’ll now go out there and play cops and robbers terrorists like they ought to. No more tax payer’s money squandered – they’ll simply get to work for their dough. That I should live to see this…
2. The inverse lottery effect finally working in our favour: We’ve all heard about it – the inverse lottery effect! Meaning: Really winning all those millions in the state lottery is virtually impossible – the chances are astronomically slim. But then again, and you keep on stumbling across this comparison – the chances are equally slim to get killed in a terrorist attack, i.e. it’s almost as unlikely as winning the frickin’ lottery. Heck, getting struck dead by a meteor is more likely! Take THAT, you terrorist twats. You are not even unlikely people, you are downright improbable. The inverse lottery effect makes Germans feel safer. How many people do you know who become millionaires over night? Exactly.
3. Fear knits closer communities: It’s like grandma’s stories about the nights in the bomb shelters during WW2,
Tough break, buddy: Your threats aren't even unlikely, they're improbable. Do statistics 101, Friend Terrorist!
when the Allies bombed the living daylights out of Germany. It sounds weird, but sometimes you feel a certain nostalgia there. Like: People just had to be close, because they were faced with the bare essentials of survival (well, the Third Reich as the backdrop certainly wasn’t so nice). So… Maybe this period of terror-angst will cause the alienated average German to value his community or clan in a higher fashion. Remember that diamonds are formed under pressure! The same goes for really GREAT communities. Imagine yourself commuting on a train and this guy with the dark beard takes the bomb from his rucksack – wouldn’t you feel a strong bond with all the other Joe and Jane Does present around you? Well, maybe just for a second, but then that depends on how close to the suicide bomber you were sitting…
4. You get to see all this cool riot gear and armoured vehicles: Whoa, dude! I didn’t even know our police had all this stuff. Incredible! Light tanks and cops in full riot gear armed with submachine guns in every train station. Makes every train-ride a bit like being in a Stallone-movie.
5. At least now we see that what the German army does in Afghanistan matters: At least to the Taliban and
Whoa, dude! I didn't even know our police had all this cool anti-riot stuff!
the rest of the filthy, evil, twisted terrorists. Why else would they threaten us? Our German soldiers have suffered from allied indignation for so long since 2002! “They’re just fooling around, building schools and giving candy to those Afghan brats”, the Brits were complaining. “You never see them fighting, they just sit in the North on their Teutonian behinds”, the US generals were criticizing. Well well… If we’re important enough to be threatened, maybe we did get those Taliban buggers after all where it hurt. Go, Germany go! For a hundred years more of terror threats!
6. Better security procedures for the German national postal service – finally! What with all those bombs being sent hither and thither. About time somebody upped the ante here. So now, we can all be sure that no-one will blow up our Christmas cards. What a relief… The only trouble may just be, that those fifty bucks Aunt Martha usually sent for Christmas may disappear mysteriously from now on. But I can live with that. The people who from now on have to read ALL our letters get hungry in the process, and they must order pizza I guess.
7. Immigrants from Islamic countries can now show their loyalty: Yup, a great chance to right all the
Let's face it: Most of all, this is a real coup for Osama's PR-department.
wrongs in the great debate about integration. Muslim immigrants can now show their true colours by speaking out against terror and supporting the police who freeze their XXXXX off out in the cold with their MPs and riot gear with baklava and dark, hot chai and other tea specialties. Of course, the officers will have to check the stuff for poison first since it was given to them by an ethnic group composed entirely of terror-suspects – but it’s the noble gesture that counts!
8. Your daily thrills: Oh, what an adrenaline kick to spot abandoned luggage in a subway station. Now’s the time for dangerseekers and adrenaline junkies. And it comes so cheap compared to climbing Mount Everest or hiking on your own in the Sahara. A subway-ride in Munich during rush hour for instance will now do the trick.
9. And we’re down to important questions of national survival: Alarmism? Comfortism, I say! Finally, all the stuff that bored us on the news is swept away for good! Crisis in national funding, crisis in the banking sector, Euro-crisis, demographic crisis, Greece, the nuclear waste-transports in the north – just forget it. Terror threats on the news are less complicated, way more interesting, and you get to see all this cool riot gear (cf. 4).
10. And the best thing – they might actually catch some terrorists! Don’t forget – maybe there are some bad guys who are planning to wreak havoc and unleash hell on Earth now, during the time before Christmas, that is meant to belong to your families and loved ones. Make the festive season more festive, catch a few terrorists, dear German police. We might as well wrap them up – then our government would have a nice gift for the CIA.