Yesterday some amazing news flashed across my screen. It came in two parts – each more sensationally exciting than the last. First, Maxime Bernier, who last week claimed that – during his his tenure as Industry Minister – his office received over 1,000 emails per day complaining about the census, shrugged-off skepticism that the number 1,000 seemed a really, really big one. “So we had a discussion with my staff and we cannot prove it because all these emails have been deleted from that time, four years ago,” said Bernier. I mean, when you’re getting that many emails per day of course you’re going to delete them. MPs don’t use gmail, man.
The second piece of news was perfect comic juxtaposition, which is a fancy way of saying “putting two incongruent things next to each other so that a humorous result is created.” Enter up-and-coming news agency, The CBC. They discovered that, around the time of the 2006 census, between 25-30 complaints were submitted to Statistics Canada about the long-form, mandatory census. Not per day. For the entire year. Certainly, this doesn’t take into account made-up deleted letters. So, that was a pretty well-timed joke.
But it gets better, especially if you’re a selfish, ego-maniacal, anti-community Libertarian like me. [Editor’s note: I’ve been waiting for a moment like this for, like, 29 years!]
On hearing about the 3,650,000 letters-per-year vs. 25 letters-per-year discrepancy, my man (Industry Minister) Tony (Clement) said, “Even if only one Canadian complains we need to take that issue seriously.”
Really, Tony? That’s amazing, because I actually have a few complaints and/or reasonable requests that I’d like you to address. In no particular order, here they are:
1. Mountie uniforms (see image). Are you kidding me with these?! We’re an international laughing stock. Replace them with powder white ninja suits right away.
2. The Sun. I’m allergic to it and I can’t go outside in the summer without looking ridiculous. Please erect a giant umbrella over Canada that blocks the Sun. Also, I’d like you to make this a UN Security Council issue.
3. Hockey Teams. Bring Les Nordiques back to Quebec City, the Jets back to Winnipeg and put two of the Lightning, Panthers, Thrashers, or Hurricanes in Hamilton and Regina. It’s the right thing to do.
4. Stop pouring billions into our feeble attempt at militarism. Create the world’s best anti-terrorism and disaster-relief units. Battleships and fighter jets aren’t gonna help when we’re sandwiched between Russia and the United States.
5. Make Yann Martel Minister of Something. I’m not the guy’s biggest fan, but he sent our book club a hilarious letter and, well, people have been appointed to higher places for stupider reasons.
6. Be funnier. Start openly (like in the House of Commons) comparing Michael Ignatieff to that blue eagle from the muppets. Their resemblance is uncanny and I can’t believe this connection isn’t part of our public discourse.
7. Transfer the right to be a province from Prince Edward Island to Vancouver Island. The last 133 years have been embarrassing for everyone on the West Coast. Please change this.
8. Ban the Internet. Let’s face it, the Twitterverse is a giant time waster and its pre-packaged facts, findings and information is slowly destroying the hippocampus in our brains.
9. Transform the tax system. Carbon emissions and inefficiency should be taxed, while work (ie. income from my job) and efficiency should rewarded. Check this out for more details. Or read anything by Paul Hawken.
10. Create a hybrid Atlantic-Pacific-Supersalmon. Ideally, this new genetically modified species will be able to re-produce more than once, thus providing us with a deliciously fishy renewable resource that will give our country a pronounced market advantage in global food production, light industry, heavy industry, defense, information technology, and the Olympics. This product will be the Canadian equivalent of high-fructose corn syrup. We can put it in everything.
So there it is, Tony. A few reasonable requests from a single Canadian. Given this magazine’s expansive readership, I’m pretty confident that we can get 25 more people to back at least one of the above ideas. I now ask you, my fellow Gumbooteers, which one of these issues should we take to Ottawa?
Let the lobbying begin!
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I vote for a combination of #1 and #10 – white ninja suits for super salmon.
How’s about combining numbers 3 and 4. Thugs on skates would be enough to dissuade any would-be-terrorist as is. Give them firearms and dress them in camo (maybe combine with option #1) and no one would bother us… well at least not in the winter.
#10: Salmon! Salmon! Salmon! Oh, and can I become chairman of the Trans-Atlantic German-Canadian Sushi-league? Because you’ll need a spokesman in Europe and I’m there anyway…
We might as well call it “League of Extraordinary Salmon-Men”… XD
Fabulous post John.
Well done, John. Well done. I never noticed the resemblance between Michael Ignatieff and that blue eagle Muppet before, but I agree it should be part of our public discourse.
I also support #7–and may I add to that my longstanding request that the nation’s capital be moved to somewhere with a better climate (possibly somewhere in this newly created province)? I expect this matter to be addressed by the government. promptly
I like number 6. Makes you think about it all a bit differently….
Kurt
http://www.cbc.ca/politics/insidepolitics/2010/10/clement-for-the-record-on-the-census-and-the-power-of-one.html
Clement, for the record on the census and the Power of One
* October 7, 2010 12:27 PM | Comments54Recommend33
* By Rosemary Barton
There has been a lot of talk in recent days about Industry Minister Tony Clement suggesting that one person, one Canadian complaining about the scrapping of the mandatory long-form census is a enough to convince the government to change policy.
The minister doesn’t agree that’s what he said.
In fact, just yesterday the minister tried to defend his statement by saying this, “Let me interpret what I said, because the question was more of a general question.”
For the record, I was the reporter asking the questions in this case and I thought it might be worthwhile to transcribe the entire exchange and let you decide what the Minister actually said and interpret it for yourself.
Let me know what you think.
Barton: “Mr Clement, there were never a 1,000 emails about the census…”
Clement: “Well, I can’t speak for Maxime Bernier, but I can tell you that if you have a complaint about the census the last place you’re going to complain about is to the census people. You’re going to complain to your MP.”
Barton: “I know, but if you’re the industry minister and you were getting 1,000 complaints a day of whatever nature about the census, you would have told Statistics Canada, ‘Hey, there’s something going on here, people aren’t happy’?”
Clement: “I can’t speak for past industry ministers. They have to speak for themselves. But all I can tell you is, that it stands to reason that if you have a complaint about the coercive tactics of a government agency the last place you’re going to complain about that is to the government agency. You’re going to complain to your duly elected local MP.”
Barton: “But then why aren’t people tabling all those complaints? because we don’t have them.”
Clement: “I got a letter in my question period book from a Liberal MP from Richmond Hill who complained to the minister about that very topic. So to say they don’t exist is not true.”
Barton: “But they’re not in the hundreds, they’re not in the thousands…”
Clement: “I can’t quantify. Even if there’s one complaint, if it’s a legitimate complaint, even if there’s one complaint from a Canadian about the coercive tactics used by a government agency we have to consider that complaint a valid question about public policy.”
Barton: “Sure, but we don’t change public policy for one person do we?”
Clement: “Why not? If they’re right.”
Barton: “We change public policy for one person?”
Clement: “If they’re right.”
Are you serious with this? And the comenters? I was one of those thousand emailers about the garbage ecnsus that I don’t want telling me what to do and asking inappropriate questions. Scrap it!! Your ideas aren’t even real man every country needs a militaruy to fight and mountiews are a part of Canadas culture. So is thius a joke? The only thing funny about it ts what the conservative voting voice of your “blog Kurt said that making fun of Michael Ignatieff was funny and there should be more of it. Way to go Kurt sometimes you say the right thing after all. This stuff makes me want to not read this thing anymroe.
Pete
Stop reading at any time, Pete. We have one million hits a day. And, no, I didn’t stutter or blink just now, pal.
🙂
– JCH
OK, the name of “that blue eagle from the muppets” is Sam, and ridiculing monobrows hurts everyone (right Kurt?).
Julian’s right. Monobrows are the way of the future. Ridiculing them just means you’re ridiculing the “future”. And a guarantee you all if that’s the approach you’re taking, the future will have the last laugh.
Whoa dude! And I already thought Real Pete had choked on something in a restaurant because everyone present had refused to perform the Heimlich-maneuvre because he’d condemned all their blogs, being the expert he is (or was it the “Heinrich-maneuvre” in this case? not sure).
Here’s the idea, my brother in name: Read http://www.r2inside.de!
The online-magazine, that I, one of the secret commies here, founded (it’s based on a real company alright). Of course, it’s just a commie-plot and I didn’t really go entrepreneur. How could I. After all, we want to abolish money and make Canada part of North Korea. Germany goes to Cuba, because of the cigars.
Back to R2: Why should you read it? It’s all in German! No need for you to bear with our usual, crappy content!
Anyways, nice to see you back. And your two main characteristics – a Mannichaen viev of the worlt and gret spellinh.
Bam.