For the last decade I’ve worked for two of Canada’s leaders in financial services (Vancity Credit Union) and pension administration (BC Pension Corporation). Through activities like estate planning and benefits changes many of my colleagues are required to talk about death with members on a regular basis. Dealing with the delicate subject of death is a challenge we’ve all experienced in our lives. Regardless of where we work, our accountabilities, whether we’re people leaders or serving clients, can extend into conversations and feelings that are difficult if not traumatic. Even if our everyday work doesn’t involve extending a compassionate hand to members, clients, or patients facing a significant life transition, we might be asked by a colleague to listen and act with compassion because of a difficult experience. When we talk about death with compassion we can provide much-needed support to those who are navigating life’s emotional complexities during a time of loss.
Listen openly
Talking about death requires us to be active and open listeners. Sometimes, people don’t need or want answers – they need to be heard. Open listening involves giving your full attention to a member or client without interruption or judgment. It means listening to and valuing the telling of stories, and letting pauses in conversation extend into silence (as opposed to jumping into disputing, agreeing, questioning, or moving on). Open listening means allowing a friend, member, or colleague to express their concerns, fears, and emotions.
Most importantly, open listening means listening to understand, not listening to respond.
When friends of mine have lost loved ones, they consistently report that what doesn’t help their grieving are phrases like “…I know what it feels like…” or “…when my aunt passed away I found that a lot of exercise every day really helped…” or “…you’ll get through it, be strong…”.
Try to use language that conveys empathy and understanding. Instead of robotic statements, opt for phrases like, “I can only imagine how challenging this must be for you,” or “Please know that I’m here to support you through this process.” Most importantly, silence is golden.
Imagine a scenario where a grieving individual calls your organization. They’ve recently lost their spouse and are overwhelmed by both their personal loss and the financial uncertainties that lie ahead. Open listening is demonstrated by inquiring empathetically about how the member is holding up. Then, instead of immediately diving into the technicalities, open listening is demonstrated by gently asking how the person is feeling and if there’s anything specific they’d like to share.
By giving folks the space to open up, you’re not only validating their emotions, but also building trust. This can make a significant difference in their overall experience during this difficult time.
Have compassion
Compassion lies at the heart of any discussion about death and money. More than just delivering information, demonstrating compassion means making a genuine connection and anticipating a person’s needs. It means showing genuine interest in their well-being by demonstrating a willingness to make things easier. Behind every pension or bank account is a life story. Acknowledging that story can make a world of difference for members and clients.
Consider the grieving individual who called your organization. After listening to their feelings, you might show kindness through thoughtful gestures, like sending a heartfelt note or small gift. You can also demonstrate genuine care by remembering important dates or events. Letting members or clients know they are valued humanizes the conversation (not to mention the overall relationship) and lets folks know that you understand, not just as a professional, but as a human being.
Building on this member- or client-facing example, Organizational Psychologist Adam Grant argues that compassion is one of the most important skills for leaders to develop.
Make it personal
Everyone’s journey is unique. Your approach to discussing death and life planning should be, too. Personalization demonstrates that you recognize their distinct needs and are committed to guiding them accordingly.
Returning to the example of a grieving member or client calling your organization, after listening and empathizing, you might continue with the scripted process because that is exactly what they need and want. You might also go off script by simply saying “tell me more…”. These two very different options reflect how personalization meets folks where they’re at with what they need in that moment.
In the wake of a loved one’s passing, it’s crucial for managers to be present and not impose unrealistic demands. If anything, such things ought to be removed and the grieving individual should be enabled to lead. Leaders should avoid the instinct to fix what’s unfixable. Instead, provide support by managing the boundary between work and personal life. Simple gestures matter, showing that the workplace cares. Leaders can reach out with a phone call or a visit, express acknowledgment of their colleague’s loss, and ask how they’d like you to communicate their situation at work. Offering flowers, cards, or attending memorial services can be considerate. Clarity is kindness, so, even though it can feel awkward, leaders should be clear about work policies, flexibility, and the warm welcome awaiting an employee’s return. Amid life’s chaos, work can provide a comforting sense of structure and choice, so don’t shy away from policy conversations or an outline of what is expected in terms of performance. According to HBR’s Sally Maitlis, leaders should know how to personalize their actions and behaviours based on an employee’s needs and style:
A manager’s presence, through a phone call and, if welcome, a personal visit, goes a long way toward reassuring employees that they are valued and supported. Show that you recognize the loss they have experienced, and find out what they would like you to tell others at work. Sending flowers or a card is a thoughtful gesture, and you might also inquire whether your presence at the memorial service would be appreciated. Don’t hesitate to be open with the bereaved about what the policy is for returning to work and whether it might be flexible, and assure them that colleagues will be glad to see them when they do return. While some managers might find it awkward to discuss an employee’s return to work in the immediate aftermath of death, the bereaved often long for clarity. At a moment in which life feels like a maelstrom, work can be a life raft of familiar structure and choice.
Some employees will seek high-touch, ongoing communication with their manager, whereas others will crave space.
By acknowledging their circumstances and tailoring your responses and actions to their needs, you show that you’re not just processing transactions, but actively invested in their well-being.
Be human
Engaging in conversations about death at work requires finesse, compassion, and a genuine desire to help. Open listening lays the foundation for meaningful exchanges, while compassion ensures that your words carry the right emotional weight. Personalizing the experience demonstrates your commitment to understanding and addressing the unique challenges your colleagues and clients face.
Your approach doesn’t just affect your clients’ experience; it leaves a lasting impact on their journey toward healing and stability.