Says* Jerry Seinfeld: “You know, I just read this survey that said the number one fear of Americans is public speaking. The number two fear is death. [INSERT SUBTLE LAUGHTER FROM AUDIENCE]. So, let me get this straight. This means that, at a funeral, the majority of people would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.”

I love weddings for a myriad of reasons – food, drink, meeting new people, dancing, love, family, boozy-hookups, hilarious grandparents, worlds-colliding, troubleshooting/last-second-wedding-party-heroics, “missions”, and many more reasons – but I have to say that it is the speeches that make my heart smile the most.

Wait a second. Let me re-phrase that. Speeches that are impeccably performed and tastefully delivered at my favourite parts of weddings make my heart smile the most. And, let me tell you, this past weekend I attended – and emceed – a wedding in which the speeches were absolutely first class.

What made the performances – and, yes, they were definitely performances – so spectacular was the near-perfect combination of genuine love for the person/people being discussed, timely humour, smart delivery, avoidance of inside jokes, and (for the most part) brevity. Here are three simple tips on how you can give great speech, whether it’s at a wedding or not:

1. Know Your Audience. Any stand up comedian, politician or professor will tell you the importance of this one. Know who can take a joke and who can’t. Know what the audience knows. Tell stories to engage them. And, for goodness sake, make the speech somewhat mysterious so that everyone hangs on your every word until – BAM! – you hit ’em with a fantastic punchline or metaphor.
2. Don’t Drink and Talk. This advice transcends weddings. Sure, there will undoubtedly be some boozers in the crowd, but that’s where they belong: in the audience. Unless you are John A. MacDonald, Winston Churchill, Tony Stark, or my Uncle John, you’re not qualified to deliver a well-crafted speech after eleventeen scotches. You might think it’s funny – and, hey, three of your buddies might, too – but the thing about weddings is that, believe it or not, 50% of the guests will be slightly buzzed or dead sober. Besides, this is your [INSERT RELATIONSHIP HERE]’s most special day – do you really wanna be that guy at the wedding?
3. Keep it Short, Sweet and Snappy. Four pages. Double spaced. Times New Roman. People will never remember exactly what you say in a speech, but they will remember how you make them feel. So, think of the three things that you want them to remember about your message and be sure to weave-in such themes throughout your story. Also, be funny, touching or funny and touching. Because, when sprinkled throughout the audience, sounds like “awwww” and “hahahaha” are delightfully contagious!

Weddings aside, public speaking is one of (if not the best) “soft skills” – which is basically a non-technical ability reflective of your personality – that you can have. Why? Well, as Mr. Seinfeld pointed out, it’s an incredibly rare one skill to possess. And there’s no better place to hone your speaking craft than in front of a community that is nearest and dearest to you.

Good luck. And have fun with it!

*this quote was paraphrased and, well, if I butchered it and Mr. Seinfeld’s attorneys track me down this will mark the third time the same attorneys have made life difficult for me.