A little over a month ago, I partially tore my Achilles tendon and fully tore my calf muscle playing soccer. For nearly five weeks I have been conducting something called the unintentional walking boot open listening experiment.
Let me explain.
For nearly five weeks I have been limping around the world in a walking boot and probably close to 100 people have asked me the same question: “what happened?” It has been interesting to study their reactions and responses to my explanation. Some themes are emerging.
Before I let you know what typically happens next (can you guess how over 90% of human beings respond when I explain my injury?) I want to get us all on the same page by defining the human skills we need to engage awesomely in such conversations.
First, three definitions
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It involves perceiving and connecting with their emotions, fostering understanding, and often responding with compassion and support.
Compassion is different from empathy. It means having a deep awareness of and empathy for another’s suffering, coupled with a desire to alleviate it. Compassion involves a genuine concern for the well-being of others and a kind-hearted response.
Open listening is a deliberate and transformative practice. It involves listening with intention, striving to be changed by each conversation. It requires dropping distractions, acknowledging that multitasking hinders both focus and effective communication. Allowing silences to breathe is crucial, recognizing their potential for depth and meaning. Lastly, listening with the future in mind means connecting to the highest future possibility by focusing deeply on one person, fostering generative ideas and solutions.
Second, what usually happens
After folks ask me “what happened?” and then I tell them what happened, the most common response – like, over 90% of the interactions follow this formula – is for the person to share a story about themselves or someone they know and how they ended up in a walking boot just like I did.
This is a very normal, very human response.
Most of us listen to respond, not to understand, not to empathize, and not to help. Most of the time we’re waiting for our turn to talk.
At best, when we share stories about something similar that happened to us, we’re tugging on our empathy powers to try and find common ground with the other person. We’re trying to put ourselves into someone else’s problem to try and understand it.
But it doesn’t always land this way for the folks with whom we’re trying to connect.
Third, be the guy who says “that sucks”
One of the most helpful responses that I’ve received to date was from a gentleman who was crossing the street from the opposite side as I hobbled back to my office with lunch – we had the following interaction:
Nice man: “Oh man, what happened?!”
Me: “I partially tore my Achilles playing soccer.”
Nice man: “That sucks! I’m sorry. If you weren’t so big I’d carry you to wherever you’re going.”
Me: [Laughs]. “Thanks man.”
He listened with empathy and compassion (and pretty openly considering it was a 20 second interaction). He made me laugh, too, which always helps. Most importantly, he didn’t stop me in the middle of the street or follow me into the foyer of my office to tell me about the time he broke his ankle on a hiking trip and ended up in a walking boot. A lot of the time I am very open to such interactions, but I think he knew that logistically and emotionally I wasn’t feeling it that day.
Friends, colleagues, and strangers deal with afflictions, sadness, and failures every day. It might not be exactly like the unintentional walking boot open listening experiment, but I guarantee that all of us have a similar story. Seeking to understand their situation by listening with openness and compassion can help them feel heard, calm, and safe.