A few weeks ago, my oldest kid started soccer. He’s five, like most of his teammates, and the experience is as adorable and hilarious as you’d expect. Despite all this delight, my wife and I screwed up is very first practice by forgetting his cleats, socks and shorts. I was not my best self and got pretty upset about the blunder (later I would reflect on how important sport was to me growing up and how showing up prepared is part of being a great teammate). But do you know who looked at me like I was bonkers and was totally fine wearing what he had? The kid. Here are three coping skills that I learned from a five-year-old.
Acceptance
We rolled into soccer practice about 10 minutes before it was scheduled to begin. Our home is a 25-minute round trip from the field. While I struggled to accept the situation, my son simply piped up and said, “that’s okay, I’ll just wear what I have.” He also added, “I have energy from the tacos.” (We had tacos for dinner). The combination of enthusiasm for a new experience and gratitude for having a fun family outing helped my expectations to shift. They’re kids. It’s a game. Lack of a uniform and proper footwear will not end our collective world. And I was overthinking things. Modelling how to handle small mistakes like this one sends ripples through a team or family.
Re-framing
The way I was framing this situation was something along the lines of ‘my kid doesn’t have soccer gear, so he can’t practice effectively’. According to the Neuroleadership Institute’s Anette Prehn, when we change our perspective – and see things from someone else’s point of view – we move “brain activation” from thinking “it’s about me” to making evaluations about our beliefs and intentions as well as those of others. By seeing the situation from the perspective of a joyful and curious five-year-old who just wanted to run around outside, I literally rewired my brain to be more empathetic and open. Another powerful way to re-frame a situation is to ask “what if” questions – like “what if I just played in these clothes?” – to foster boldness and look at the status quo differently.
Move on
Genuinely letting go of defensiveness, blame and/or resistance is essential for coping with changes or mistakes. you have accepted the situation, it’s important to move past it. My moving on from this mistake was simple and literal. Following my son’s lead, I physically moved on from the car and we joined the other kids and parents on the team. In this particular situation I learned that I needed to move on from being too hard on my family – giving in to self-limiting beliefs is just one of a few things we should all move away from.