Human beings have a problem with winning. Too often we focus on winning as a zero-sum game and define “winners” highlighting the failings of folks who didn’t win – when we do this we call peoples or teams “losers”. Focusing only on winning at all costs also ignores externalities, which are things that lead to a win. In sport, an externality might be time spent away from family or an injury suffered by an opponent who you pushed. In business, an externality might be the once clean water that is now polluted because a company decided to maximize profits at the expense of updating safeguards for toxic byproducts of what they make. To say the least, we need to think differently about what it means to win. Here are three ways to reframe winning.
Embrace co-opetition
During a recent lecture about co-operative economics I learned that “competition”, according to the original Latin definition, actually means “run together” or “strive together”. The world needs more co-opetition, which simply means striving together to achieve mutually beneficial results. In our work and life others don’t need to lose in order for us to win – according to a recent study by HBR’s Martine Haas and Mark Mortensen, teams are more likely to win when groups’ contributions are valued for their contribution to the team’s overall goal. Engagement is enhanced when we win together.
In sport, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird were fierce competitors whose rivalry made each player better and transformed the National Basketball Association (NBA) into one of the most successful professional sports leagues on Earth. The modern day NBA would not be what it is without Bird and Magic’s co-opetition.
Be a good winner
My oldest son is four and he loves winning. Especially against his little brother, who is 20-months-old. When the competition gets older, stiffer and tougher, though, my little guy will either re-invent the rules or develop a sudden cases of the disinterests in order to shut down the activity. Getting in touch with his feelings about not winning in order to develop empathy for others when they don’t win isn’t really sticking. I can’t say that he’s a very gracious winner all the time. The thing is that he’s four and he’s not the problem. Too many adults with platforms for co-creating our culture glorify spiking footballs, crushing opponents, and lauding victories over rivals, which is resulting in an unhelpful and pretty toxic us-versus-them approach to kitchen table debates or national governance.
Let’s all commit to starting this journey with board games because it’s something that we can all relate to and we all probably know a person or two who can improve. We’ve all met table-tossing poor losers. And we’ve also met a few gloating poor winners in our travels to Catan and Puerto Rico, too. The next time you feel some gloating rising up from the egoist depths of your soul, crush the feeling to spike the metaphorical football or real Monopoly hotel. And the next time you meet a bad winner, call them on it with a simple comment, like, “okay, this is embarrassing for all of us.” Once we’ve mastered the art of board games we can take our new powers into the boardroom.
Focus on learning
Whatever we call it – coming in second, not winning, failing, losing – not taking home the gold, hoisting the trophy, or receiving an awesome new job never feels great. In fact, most national team coaches for pretty much any sport will not provide feedback about why they cut a player following the news being delivered. And many times the cut player never receives feedback about the decision. The main reason is that human beings really, really struggle to open our minds, let alone our ears and feelings and minds, to receive critical feedback when we’ve just expelled so much effort to win.
Imagine if we didn’t fail, but we just uncovered something that didn’t work. And then we learned from it. That’s the perspective of The New York Times’s John Scwartz, who details the losing-filled journey of his middle child, Sam, and the personal wins, team wins and lifelong achievements that emerged from always framing a loss as an opportunity to learn something new. Failing isn’t learning. Failing is failing. We can be okay with a failure and a loss, though, and soak up the lessons learned by reflecting on the experience. Hopefully in the company of a co-opetative good winner.
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This article was originally published on August 8, 2018.