Our team has written quite a bit about feedback – both how to give it and how to ask for it and act on it. But in our day to day work, we are often confronted with input and criticism that we immediately feel is unfair or incorrect. It falls outside a more structured setting like a 1:1 or quarterly review. Responding effectively – in the moment – is crucial, not only to building your relationships with your colleagues but also doing so allows you to modify and improve on your own effectiveness and approach. Recently, I got some feedback from a colleague about a project I was working on. The feedback included a range of specific concerns and they were tough to hear – at first. But after a little time, I started to recognize this feedback as gold. Here are four ways that tough feedback makes work better.
Write an email, don’t send it
I took a page out of Abe Lincoln’s book (via John’s recent post on letter writing) and crafted my aggressive and clearly triggered rebuttal. The email went 3-4 paragraphs long (pro-tip – before you start writing, delete the recipient email address from the TO: field). This process of getting it all out on paper was therapeutic. It helped me bring my own questions up in a structured way. It also acted as a minor valve for my frustration. Finally, it gave me a safe space to deal with my own emotional triggers and then start to let things go.
Trust the process
I never used to do this. I was always action first. Partially because when I sensed a conflict, I immediately wanted to find a way to solve it through compromise. Approaching things quickly is important at times, but I’ve learned that if you are triggered and feel stress or anxiety rising from deep within, it’s better to take a breather. For me, a day is enough to gain some perspective – re-evaluating the feedback on my work and (somewhat) dispassionately determine the validity of the criticism helped me understand the opportunity ahead and how to move forward.
Did I just drink poison or medicine?
When I was little, I had to take terribly syrupy medicine from time to time when I got sick. Sucking back my medicine was always an unpleasant experience. But it also helped address some of my symptoms so that I could rest and get better. I’ve recently come to see tough feedback the same way I saw medicine. It’s tough to swallow at first, feels nasty and sometimes it makes you gag. The thing is that it will only make you stronger. Determining if the feedback is indeed medicine or is something worse is important. While you may not agree with the concerns and or be able to address them immediately, understanding where others are coming from is almost always valuable. In the rare instances that the feedback being offered is disingenuous or clearly aimed at sabotaging your project, be clear in your own mind that this is the case after a thorough vetting of the value of the input and the credibility of the feedback giver. Ultimately, take what you can from the feedback and leave the rest behind.
Eye on the prize
Never forget what you are trying to accomplish. If your goal is to make your project as good as possible – gaining multiple perspectives (even if you think they are incorrect) is crucial to your success. Not only does this build in buy-in among your stakeholders and colleagues, but it also will improve the product you are working on. Once you have determined whether the criticism is poison or medicine, consider an approach that will get you closer to your end goal.
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This article was originally written on November 21, 2018. Feedback is still a gift.