We’ve all received tough love at some point in our lives. Whether we hear from spouses who have feedback about our facial hair, coaches who know we can do better, or managers who need to inspire teams to achieve their objectives, tough love is a way to motivate and support people by delivering constructive feedback.

According to Adam Grant, receiving and processing tough love is an important career/life skill.

I asked friends and colleagues to share examples of tough love they’ve received throughout their careers and what impact it had on them. Here are some of the highlights:

• “You’re not special.” After I asked for a promotion (very evidence- and needs-based!) and honestly shared with my boss that I would look for new roles if my career didn’t progress, she told me that, while it’d be different without me, I was totally replaceable. We all are!
• “You suck at project management!” A colleague received this feedback after a few senior leaders missed a calendar invite and double-booked themselves over/on-top of a corporate event; as a consequence, senior leaders mandated that a project manager review my colleague’s work and support the initiative going forward.
• “Life’s not fair.” A friend of mine thought a lot about this during their separation; while it’s very hard to control what happens to us, we can control our attitude about it.
• “So it sounds like you have a short attention span…” When a friend applied for a job he did a mock interview with colleagues in the same department; they tore him to shreds in ways he’s never experienced before or since; it was one of the only time my friend received unvarnished and very thoughtful and insightful feedback.
• “Dad, you’re on your phone too much and it makes me feel less special when you don’t pay attention to us.” Undoubtedly this is a gut punch many parents have received from kids who notice how our phones steal our focus.
• “Sometimes people don’t treat you with the level of kindness with which you treated them.” My friend learned that even if this happens it shouldn’t change who you are or your approach.
• “Shave your beard. It looks bad.”
• “We aren’t considering you for this role because, when you turned down a job last year, it showed us you aren’t committed to the organization.” A former colleague chose their family and well-being over a lateral career move that added 45-60 minutes per day to their commute and was blackballed by senior leaders (they were not seen as a being a team player).

What happens after tough love?

According to the Harvard Business Review‘s Joanne Lipman, tough love emphasize high standards, clear goals, honest feedback, and viewing failure as a learning opportunity, fostering resilience and countering the culture of excessive praise and coddling. Whether tough is delivered effectively – perhaps with Radical Candor or Mentorship models – or with ham-fisted, insulting sharpness, we are expected to respond to it.

Here are three ways to move forward after we receive tough love.

Acceptance

After receiving some devastating “rate your professor” feedback from a few of my students, a mentor of mine encouraged me to put the criticism in perspective with a few questions:

• Is it true and accurate?
• If not, let it go…
• If it is, what does it mean? Really sit with that…

Before deciding whether or not you agree with the tough love, it is important to sit in the experience and, at the very least, understand the criticism.

Even if you don’t respect someone, their feedback might hold value. Listen actively, ask clarifying questions, and focus on understanding rather than reacting. Take criticism seriously but not personally – it’s insight, not an attack. You don’t have to agree with or act on everything, but staying open helps you grow.

Reputation management

Tough love can be misplaced or incorrect, even if it is well-intended. Processing it and moving forward without compromising your personal brand requires more active management of your career narrative and how you want others to see you.

NBA MVP Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is not a free throw merchant. However, the pride of Hamilton, Ontario receives this unsolicited tough love from sports media talking heads and the hellscape of the Internet on a daily basis.

SGA ranks 406th all time in free throw per game average. There are 81 players who have averaged more free throws per game in the playoffs.

(there are more than 20 other players on this list before SGA, but the screen-grab couldn’t fit them all on a page!)

SGA can use this evidence and his spectacular play to manage his reputation going forward.

They call me “the Shai Gilgeous-Alexander of Project Management” (they don’t, but it connects a couple of points in this article).

Sometimes we need to respond to tough love with actions and evidence that disproves criticism that is factually incorrect. For example, when a former colleague was criticized for their ineffective project management, they humbly processed the feedback and responded with concrete examples from their project plan that showcased their strengths in this domain. By seeking to understand the tough love they uncovered a communication, not a capability, gap, which, when addressed, mitigated risks of their reputation being sullied.

Don’t be afraid to disprove tough love or unfair criticism with evidence.

Improve the system, improve yourself

Now, let’s talk personal growth. Think of tough love as the coach yelling from the sidelines (in a good way). It’s about owning your goals, taking criticism like a champ, and building habits that stick. Set targets you can measure, and don’t forget to show up for yourself daily – because consistency is where the magic happens.

We might not be able to change an entire system, such as a workplace or a neighbourhood, but we can enhance or improve how feedback loops within systems operate. Feedback loops are like the espresso shot of improvement – quick, effective, and a little bit intense. They keep systems humming by turning input into action, insights into results, and confusion into clarity. Want to foster trust and adaptability? Open up those channels, make feedback easy to give and take, and sprinkle in a little transparency—it’s the secret sauce.

When my kids criticized me for being on my phone too much (especially around bedtime), I struggled to accept this tough love (my wife, who is her own person, helped and, let’s be honest, it was an easy behaviour to factually point at…). Identifying and tracking my phone-related-habits around bedtime and morning time, which our family identified as very special, I have changed our system as well as improved myself by reducing phone-time and elevating my focus and attention.

Track your wins, share your progress (humble brags, such as “I was not on my phone 77% of the time over three months of mornings and bedtimes”, are allowed), and when you hit a snag, ask for help. Address your blind spots – they’re only “blind” if you ignore them. Growth isn’t about perfection; it’s about getting a little better every day. And trust me, the feedback you didn’t want to hear might just be the exact thing that makes you unstoppable.